The Choice to Heal

by Susan Urback

I am a member of St Paul's Episcopal Cathedral, located in downtown Oklahoma City. There is a cloister walk that spans the space between our buildings. If you look up, there is a shattered stone Celtic cross built into the new brickwork. No, they weren't short a few bricks, rather was that shattered cross deliberately integrated into the fabric of that structure, as a scar is integrated into the whole of the body. It is hardly noticeable, but for those who know the symbolism, it makes a powerful statement.

A decade ago, I worked in an office building a block from the church and just across from the Murrah Federal Building. The bombing heavily damaged and shattered that building, my body, my church, and so much of my daily life and the people and places in that daily life.

A large chapter ended last week -- an unnecessary chapter I and many others would say. McVeigh and Nichols had been convicted and sentenced in federal court, the execution of McVeigh has taken place, and Nichols was sentenced to life without parole.

But, sigh, that was not enough. A zealous former district attorney and now his successor were bound and determined to bring Nichols to a state trial, basically in pursuit of a death sentence. Nine years later it finally happened. And while the guilty verdict came quickly, the deadlock of the jury on the punishment meant the same sentence: life in prison. Seventy percent of Oklahomans were against the trial, including myself. I wished it would just stop and go away.

A small group of family members and survivors was adamant that this state trial needed to happen. I know these folks. They are people with whom I have spent much time through some very difficult years, and I love them dearly. I am so sad because some have absolutely hung onto the possibility of the death penalty for Nichols as well. Nothing else would do for healing. So, my dear friends are now nearly 10 years along, and will have to figure out how to go on. They may never catch up. I can't condemn because we all react so differently. My mother says it was shattering enough that I was injured, and she doesn't know how she would have responded had I died that day.

I did testify in the McVeigh case, in the penalty phase, which asked for the death penalty. The defense team even used my testimony in their closing, arguing that I had not waited on the trial and sentencing of McVeigh to begin work on my own healing. I was actually angry at the time that they used my words, but in retrospect, there was wisdom in them. For some reason, early on, I found that I had energy to heal or to hate. Not enough to do both.

I rarely talk about the bombing. I feel both grateful of moving along, yet guilty because there are others -- people I love -- who continue to hurt.

Just as the shattered cross in my church is integrated into the cloister walk, God can use both the old shattered cross and the new brick to help bury the memory and integrate it, transforming the symbol of punishment into a symbol of resurrection -- like the cross of Christ.

[COVENANT, Number 18, October 2004]

Susan Urbach has been the Regional Director of the Oklahoma Small Business Development Center with the University of Central Oklahoma since 1988. The office is located off campus in downtown Oklahoma City.